CELEBRATIONS | Finding Joy in the Journey

 As you navigate life there are certain points or milestones that we celebrate.  Birthdays, Anniversaries, Wedding, Engagements, Graduations even Funerals.  When you find out you have Cancer it changes to some extent the meanings of these.  The flip side of that coin are the new milestones you get to celebrate.  

For an update on me and where I am at.  The past two weeks have gone by well.  I am feeling like my old self again for the most part.  I am back to my pre-chemo weight, not super excited about that, but it is important.  Being about 10 pounds lighter was nice and so I am more motivated to get back to that weight the right and healthy way.  My hearing is still crap, I went to the doctor about it.  The hearing test is normal, meaning my ears work just fine.  The challenge apparently is my brain's ability to translate those signals.  This is just part of the "Chemo Brain"  they say that it should get better over time.  As for the ringing in my ears it is a coin toss.  Could be that the years of working with loud sirens has damaged the ears to some degree over my life and the chemo accelerated it.  Time will tell. 

For those who may end up with this "Tinnitus" one thing that has made a difference is to never be quiet.  I know it sounds odd to say, but the SILENCE IS DEAFENING!  So keep noise around you, I have found that at night keeping a sound machine on has helped with sleeping.  The audiologist said to keep changing it up.  Do not use the same noise setting for too long or your brain will get conditioned to it and it stops working.  Also remember to not focus on it, forget it and act like it is not there and you will tune it out.  

The other parts of my "Chemo Brain" are improving.  I can find that I can remember more and more.  It is funny to think about, when you do chemo it is like someone flipped the switch.  It was there and then it was not.  That goes for about anything, your hair, your hearing, your taste, your smell, your sensation etc.  Coming back however is different it takes time and it is incremental.  I think it is a little reminder to keep things in perspective.  I have not shaved in a good 6 weeks or better.  I love my soft smooth skin, if you don't remember what it is like to have silky smooth skin I apologize.  The last couple of days I have started to notice that my facial hair is growing back and that I have patches of hair growing back on my head.  So I feel confident that by Christmas we will have a good hairstyle to sport.   

Back to talking about Celebrations.  Cancer brings a whole new level of Celebrating.  The first big celebration is the day you complete your treatment.  It signals a milestone that you are one step closer to the rest of the journey.  One common celebratory tradition is the ringing of a bell.  You can find different explanations  that talk through why the bell became the tradition.  My favorite explanation is the reference to being in the ring fighting.  The rounds start and end with the ringing of the bell.  The winner is announced with the ringing of a bell.  I have said it before that the Wallace Cancer Institute a department of Novant Rowan, does NOT have a bell for patients to ring.  I still plan to fix this.  I am going to do all I can even raise the money for a bell.  It is the right thing to do.  

I was at my Aunt Karen's house with her family and made the comment that I would celebrate finishing Chemo with the acquiring of a four legged friend.  I even told my friend Amanda and her family.  There are lots of friends who need homes and I have never been someone who believes in paying for dogs.  I have always wanted to have a Doodle of some kind.  But I never wanted to pay for one.  I had resolved that coming the beginning of the year I would get one and I would take a lab bread from the pound.  Well because good things do happen to good people I was blessed to get what I have wanted.  

Meet BELLA 

Since there was no bell to ring her name is fitting.  She is part of my celebratory gift to myself.  I could not be more happy or grateful for all she has brought to my home.  She is mild mannered, well behaved and a great cuddler.  I owe the biggest thanks to my cousin's wife Carrie for being on her A game.  She called two weeks ago and asked, remember saying you were going to celebrate with a dog?  Did you still want a Goldendoodle?  I said yeah that is part of the plan, she followed with so what are you doing this evening?  Blood counts good enough to be out and about?  I said sure why what is up.  A prior co-worker of hers needed to rehome "MIA".  And it all worked out.  She has quickly adapted to her new home and her new name.  She is not quite a year old so we still have some puppy left in her.  But she is the best.  

She definitely brings Joy to my Journey.  One of my favorite things that Terah gave me was a tile that has the quote "Find Joy in the Journey".  She found the Joy in every situation and I am grateful for that example.  I love the tender mercy's in life that remind me of her example and of the love she showed.  

Each of us have moments in our life that are worth Celebrating.  Take the time to Celebrate and to find the Joy in the Journey.  It is only forward from here.  Do not take the small things for granted.  If you want to do something go for it.  Live life!!   

  

Charity | Sometimes it is about more than you, and Karma is real

Throughout this journey I have been amazed at the overwhelming love and support that I have received.  I also have been blow away by all the nice things that people have done for me.  I never imagined that I would be in this situation and I have been more than appreciative for the Charity others have shown.  I think I will remember that more than the treatment itself.  

Charity comes in all different forms.  And Charity can mean a variable of meanings.  I define it as the pure love of Christ.  It is doing the right thing, being kind to one another.  Helping someone cross the street, all things that a good Southern Lady would teach you.  It can mean different things to different people.  For most it is the act of giving.  I have never viewed Charity as someone of greater means giving to someone with lesser means.  I choose not to put it in the reference of a "Charity Case".   Rather I choose to frame it as being kind to one another.  At the end of the day we are all the same, we are all people just doing our best.  At some point in everyone's life you will be in need of Charity.  

For those looking for an update on my progress, I overall have felt 90% the past week.  And maybe 90% is my new 100%?  I have an appetite but don't want to eat, eating makes me feel sick if I eat too much, so I am still figuring that out.  I have gained some of my weight back, which in the end is the right thing.  I will lose it in a more healthy way soon enough.  I did get to visit with the ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Doctor this week.  He removed a mole on my head that liked to bleed through most of Chemo.  While I was there I brought up the ringing in my ears and how annoying that has been.  How it causes me anxiety and is such a frustration.  He said unfortunately that is here to stay.  So I guess one of my battle wounds will be the continuous sound I hear.  Prayers and fingers crossed it goes away.  I think it has been one reason I don't sleep well anymore honestly.  He did recommend a white noise machine when I sleep, I gave it a try and I think it helped.  I need a couple nights to see how it goes.  

I also continue to struggle with staying focused.  When I am focused on something I have not noticed any problems.  But when I try to focus on several things, I will forget bits and pieces.  This is sometimes called "Chemo Brain" and I think it is getting better and better.  I have to remind myself that the effects of Chemo last well past the treatment and the cells have to rebuild themselves.  It has not even been a month yet and some of my research suggest as long as 40 days.  

Back to the topic of Charity.  As I have pondered on how I can show more Charity in my life, the concept of paying it forward continues to come to mind.  I would say as recent as 5 years ago I was a more Charitable person.  I was more active in service to other people, more active with non-profits and more involved in my community.  The only thing that has really changed is life.  I am still the same person and believe the same way I have always believed on the topic of Charity or service to others.  I just got busy and have not sought for or been given the same opportunities for service.  That needs to change for sure.  I still feel that I do show Charity for others but I am missing that service component.  The dedication and giving of my time to help others.  

So I am trying to pay forward all the kindness that has been shown me.  I am working on a couple "Boxes of Courage".  When I started Chemo on my first day I got a small cooler with a variety of items and a note from another cancer patient.  It was not much and it was fairly simple, but the meaning was powerful.  So I am going to take that and pay it forward by creating these boxes.  I plan to fill 5 gift boxes with items that I found to be helpful for me during my treatment and write a note of encouragement for the recipient.  I will give these boxes to the Cancer Institute to pass along to the next patients who start their journey.   You are all welcome to participate with me.  I welcome cards and notes of encouragement or items for the boxes.  I am going to put the basic things that are not too specific to the type of cancer and keep them general.  So mints, carmels, fragrance free lotion, hand sanitizer, thank you cards, puzzles, color books, playing cards etc.  I am also going to try to find some reusable cups that have the measurements on the side to help with tracking fluid intakes and reusable lids and straws.  And if I can find it a nice set of reusable plasticware.  

We all want the world to be a better place, and that starts with Charity.  While I am going to pay it forward more, I encourage you to do the same.  I have always loved to do a random act of kindness.  I don't want the recognition for it, and I don't want the praise. But I do believe that Karma exist in the world.  I think that doing good is rewarded in this life or the next.  I believe that if we are good people, generally good will surround us.  I joked with a friend of mine when I was telling her about getting cancer, that at some point in life I must not have helped an old lady cross the street.  And that Karma was giving me a kick in the balls for that.  While I don't support the idea that if you are only ever doing good that bad won't come you way. But I do suggest that when bad knocks on the door, there will be enough good around you to get you through it.  So the old adage that "what goes around comes around" holds some truth.  

Showing Charity does not have to be a grand gesture or one of significant monetary value or prestige.  Charity is made up of all the small and simple things we do.  Imagine if we were all a little nicer to one another.  Or showed a little more love to our neighbors.  Our world is divided more now than ever in my lifetime and were only going to get through this by showing a little more Charity.  That is on all parties to do.  If everyone just did the right thing, we would come out ahead on the other end.  But our inability to communicate and to listen has escalated our world to a new level.  

I was able to show Charity in two forms this week.  First my friend Amanda invited me over to make Halloween Decorations for her family to give to people.  She planned to simply just place them on others doorsteps.  It was simple, fun and we used all recycled materials.  Left over lumber, paint, ribbons etc.  It was really fun and enjoyable and I hope that those who got them felt a little more loved.  I brought home a couple.  

It was also Prime Day this week, and of course I bought a bunch of crap that I didn't really need.  But things I could find useful.  And when they are at a good deal you tend to buy them.  I am by no means the person who created this idea but I did put a basket of treats for the delivery team.  Speaking of why can Amazon not just deliver all my items on the same day ?  At one point I had three Amazon trucks in front of my house.  Some choose to take something and others did not.  Half of them were not even paying attention.  I even had one Amazon Driver stop on his way back up my street and get more.  Some realized I had a camera and others did not so that was a good laugh.  Pumpkin was a part of craft day with Amanda as well.  

I have always enjoyed Maya Angelou's work when it came to poetry.  It was so simple and real.  Her words had meaning and provoked thought.  She was very intelligent, she did move to North Carolina so that in itself says a lot.  I love North Carolina for those who have not figured that out.  One of her most famous quotes is about Charity.  I have included it here for those who may have never heard it or may not realize she is the author.  

 

So I want to ask that each of you take the next day, week or month and to work on showing others more Charity.  That includes strangers or people you don't know.  Were not as social as we were because Miss. Rona has put us in the corner, but we all have a neighbor, we all have that one person we know needs a little more support right now.  They might not even need anything, but you need the opportunity.  When was the last time you did service for someone else?  Do you remember?  Can you remember how it made you feel?  Maybe it is just picking up litter on the side of the road, or helping someone rake their leaves.  It could be pulling their trash can to the road for pickup.  Just love people a little more this week.  Smile behind your mask, call a co-worker you have not seen since March and ask them how they are doing.  If you want to take it a step further call that local non-profit and ask how you can help.  Buy the overpriced coffee at Starbucks for the person behind you in the drive through.  The Holidays are upon us and it is the time for giving and showing Charity.  I for one can't wait, the election should be over, and regardless of that 2020 will be over and hopefully 2021 has better Karma.  

Charity starts with you.   So ask yourself, how will you change the world today? 

CHANGE | A POWERFUL 6 LETTER WORD

This post is probably the one I have spent the most thinking about and writing.  So hopefully you will enjoy it as much as I did pondering and transcribing it.  And in my typical fashion I am confident what I want to say and what I say will miss a point in my mind. What I want to express is that this journey has forever changed me in more than just a physical way.  I am come out of the other side a better person overall and have a fresh new perspective on life.  

#1 - Sometimes bad things lead to good outcomes, it's all about perspective 
#2 - Just as we are the only ones who can prevent forest fires, we are the only ones who can control our future. 

#3 - Those who came before us figured out this life thing, take their advice it comes from a good place.
#4 - Take time to enjoy life, be in the NOW and don't dwell on the past.  Get off the train at the next stop from time to time.  Then get back on the train. 
#5 - You won't always win, and you won't always loose. Stay in the game!
#6 - Be a better you !

#7 - Put the phone down, visit with someone, have a conversation.  Or at least use the numbers and not the letters on the phone.
#8 - Someone, somewhere has it worse than you.  And in all situations you're still someone, somebody loves. 

This weekend I listened to a friend of mine talk about Change and what that meant in life.  There are over 100 people who read this and I don't know who all they are and I am not sure I know each of you.  But some of you will know of the friend of have referenced and have the same level of love and respect for her as I do.  She and her husband opened my eyes to the concept of who we really are as people.  I still hear them in my mind asking the question "Who are You?"  It's more than just our name or where we are from.  The question is like an onion, many layers.  Go back to the post "Here I Am" and you can learn more about what that question means.  And when we have hours to sit and discuss we can unpack each of those into deeper layers.  

But I want to focus on Change.  If nothing else the last 90 days of my life have focused and revolved around that word.  Just as a potter works with clay, or a blacksmith with iron, or a poet with words, it is all the same.  In school we learn about the Law of Conservation of Mass, which teaches us that Matter cannot be created or destroyed.  It simply just changes from one form to the next.  

I have Changed through this journey and have a greater appreciate for the NOW, for Friendships, Family, and Self Care.  I am a better me as a result.  I have chosen to not let this be a negative experience for me, but just a part of my life's journey.  

The Change I have experienced has been multifactorial and life altering.  I have experienced emotional pain and growth.  I have experienced Physical Change in several forms.  I wont complain about the 12 pounds I have lost, I sure hope someone else picks up that Matter because I am happy to see it leave.  I lost my hair, which will come back in a new style in the near future.  I have changed my overall life expectancy.  But most importantly this journey has change who I am.  I won't unpack it all here, but I do hope to provoke thought for each of you on really thinking about the the question "Who are You?".  

I have kept humor in the front of this journey.  I have always used humor to soften the blow or lighten the load where I could.  I mean Laughter is the best Medicine and if you can't laugh at yourself who can?  Too often I worry that we let life or our environment answer the question for us.  And that is okay if that is what makes you happy, but it is never good if you left your environment dictate who you will become.  Good or bad, right or wrong we are still the only ones who get to decide who and what we will be tomorrow.  We can not be a victim of our situation.  

My friend used the analogy of the game Shoots and Ladders for life and that sometimes we land on a space and are sent back to the beginning.  As kids this action was associated with defeat or the potential loss of the game.  Now from a theoretical and philosophical opinion there are Winners and Losers in life.  Not everyone gets a trophy, and life is not always fair.  If every patient is a COVID rule out, No Patient is a COVID rule out.  If you disagree that is certainly fine, but for me I find that you can't always win and when you loose you only work harder next time and you will eventually win.  But this topic is its own ball of wax. 

I have chosen to view this experience with more of a sports reference. #FOULBALL.  If you are not familiar with the reference I defer to google for your learning opportunity.  So in life sometimes we step up to the plate and life throws us a the perfect pitch and we hit a home run, sometimes we strike out and have to wait for our next turn.  From time to time life throws us a curveball and it is a swing and a miss, but on that rate occasion you swing, make contact and its a #FOULBALL.  

With a #FOULBALL you get another chance, you get to stand back at the plate and you get to swing again.  You didn't strike out, you didn't get on base, you simply get to go again.  For me this experience has been more than the curveball that life pitched me, or lefty trying to kill me.  It has been the opportunity to evaluate "Who I Am"! 

Since I still have no idea the 100+ people who tune in to read to my random thoughts or laugh and cry with me I feel I have to give you a little more background on some of my personality traits.  

First of all my Grandmother always told me 3 things growing up and still to this day she reminds me.

    #1 Always pay yourself.  Each paycheck you take a little bit and you pay yourself.  This becomes your rainy day fund and will help when you need it.  
    #2 Focus on your Education and then focus on the rest of life.  Education is the priority.  I think she witnessed on several occasions how focusing on life or the Jones's kept people from finishing their education.  Keep in mind that I am the second person in my family tree on her side that graduated college and the first to have a Master degree.  And on Dad's side I took first place in both categories.  
    #3 It is not about what you make, it is about what you spend.  

Now I also did not grow up in a family that had a lot of money and I quickly understood how the best train our of that was the Education train.  So when she said to focus on my education I heard that train pulling into the station to take me to financial freedom.  I always wanted my family to have a better financial foundation than we did.  I am not saying that I am rich, most people think I am.  But I just continue to remember to pay myself each paycheck, spend less than I make, and always remember the rain in coming.  I love Dave Ramsey and I am a firm believer that if you can't pay cash for it, chances are you don't need it.  

I share this to let you know that going down this path I stopped and reflected and concluded that I probably gave too much of my time to my work and not enough time to me.  I think that I got too focused on the next promotion or the next financial milestone to realize that I might have stayed on the train too long.  We have to get off at the next stop from time to time and then board the train to the next stop.   Folks, it is what it is and dwelling on the past for too long never gets you moving forward.  This post is about Change and what this experience has taught me.  And this is the biggest lesson that I think I have learned.  My perspective has changed and so my reality must also.  

Life is made up of more than your Career, your Salary, your Car, the House you live in, your social standing and for goodness sake the number of Instagram Followers you have.  Now I am not a social media addict and I don't even know how many "Facebook Friends", "Insta Followers" or "Twitter Birds" I have, because I have NEVER put any faith in any of that.  If anything I believe that Social Media has done nothing for our Social well being and has caused way more harm than any benefit to our lives.  

While we're on that topic, I can remember watching Wall-E years and years ago and thinking, folks this is as about as close as you can get to what our lives are becoming.   Folks take just a moment and really think about this picture from the movie.

And if you have not watched this movie, Disney Plus is free from about anyone, take the time and watch it.  Then think, "Who are You?"  

I also think I have spent a lot of my time focused on the future and where the train is going.  I worry that I have not spent enough time in the NOW, to appreciate my hard work and really just enjoy life.  I made life a series of patterns and steps.  And too one extent took life too serious.  Let me just say the train is going to the next station.  I like humor to cope, but what if I just enjoyed the here and now more?  We have to build the memories and the good days now, so in the future they were the "Good Ol' Days".  We have our whole lives ahead of us.  And the sad dark reality is that I have learned that the future looks a lot different between you and I.  We have no way of knowing how long this rollercoaster is, how big the pie is, or how much gas is left in the tank.  So I am going to start sharing my time with the Now and the Future.  There is a little less in my tank now and I have to enjoy it.  I am blessed that my Cancer diagnosis was not accompanied by a expiration date.  My war with this disease is not over but I have won this battle. 

I have also come to the reality that my friends are way more awesome than I thought they were.  You really never know who your real friends are till you need them.  So I have been amazed and how wonderful each of them have been.  I am going to be more Social, more engaged and more participatory in life.  And that does not involve a computer or mobile device.  It is verbal in person communication.  

I have always said I want to go here or I want to go there.  And I will create reasons why I can not go now and I will say next year, or next summer.  Well if 2020 didn't teach you about how quickly life can change, you might want to wake up and take a look outside.  The reality is this might be as good as it gets, so we have to learn to accept it and move on.  No need to live in fear or worry about the what ifs.  I can promise you if your not trick or treating this year, the what ifs will be and at some point they will knock on your door.  

I joined a support group for young people with cancer.  I will not be going back to the support group, I did not find it to be emotionally what I needed at this point in my life.  I am a firm believer that support groups and a good mental health professional make for a rounded person.  But you got to find the right group and right professional.  This particular group ws for people under 40 who are actively going through a cancer journey.  I found out really quick that cancer is far worse than what I have experienced.  The majority of those in the group have a terminal diagnosis.  That was way more than my emotional health could handle and my brain was screaming abort abort.  But what I did learn is that life is that someone else always has it worse.  

Each of us are going to be thrown a curve ball when we step up to the plate.  It is part of the strategy and it is just life.  And if you swing and hit a #FOULBALL, remember that you get another chance.  My curveball was Cancer.  And I hit a #FOULBALL, and I am getting another chance, it is not the third strike for me in this inning.  Your curveball could be the loss of a spouse, parent or child.  It could be a traumatic injury, the loss of your job, a stroke, heart attack or just about anything that doesn't go according to plan.  It could be the terrible "C" word that sucks.  But it's not the pitch that gets us, it is how we choose to respond to the pitch.  Some of you will hit it out of the park, others will be a swing and a miss.  You get to choose, you are in control and You Got This!  

I can't tell you if I am in the bottom of the 3rd or the Top of the 7th.  But I am still in the game and as long as I am in the game, I am going to step up to the plate wait for life to pitch the ball and swing.  Just like you I am not going to hit the ball every time and I might strike out, but until the game is over, we get another chance.   

The Good Ol' Days

 The weekend has not been terrible.  The fatigue continues to be the second largest struggle that I have.  I did finally sleep about 6 hours last night and that was pure joy.  

Many whom have called and texted have asked about the hair, my response is that it is 90% gone.  I will be getting what is left shaved off.  They all ask how I look and I just laugh and say that at this point people are going to start sending me 19 cents a day, and that the ringing in my ears has been replaced by a Sarah McLachlan loop.  

A true friend of mine who I will call Lieutenant aka Tiny T, to protect the innocent, called on his way to work and we chatted.  He and I worked together for years and I really do miss working with him.  He is smart and more importantly I love his sense of humor.  Being in Emergency Services is not always rainbows and unicorns.  We are faced with a lot of negative energy and often spend the worst moments of someone's life with them and their families.  This wears on your person, on your soul.  Having people like T with you always made the job a little better.  Not just because it was nice to work with another competent person, but because he showed compassion and courage and when it was all said and done would laugh with you and sometimes at you.  People, it is not about being insensitive or having a lack of compassion and not that we don't care about those we take care of or the job we perform.  But it can be tough, rough and full of all kinds of bad stuff.  We COPE, so that we can be the best we can be when patients and families need us to be.  Humor is how he and I cope with this job.  So as you continue reading you HAVE TO remember that this is how we cope.  If you don't like witty or dark humor turn the channel now.  

I tried to find a picture of us working together but the only picture I had in my phone was this one.  He worked his way up to Lieutenant, and spent more time in the office as a result.  

I think some of my most memorable moments with him were early morning or late night.  In my most memorable moment with him we were both tired, it had been a busy 24 hours, it was dark outside, we were almost done without shift and we were on our way to one of those calls those of us in EMS are all too familiar with.  The ones were an ambulance is clearly not needed and in this situation I am not too sure that a Medical Professional was even indicated.  But those of you not familiar with the process, you dial 911 and ask for an Ambulance, the 911 dispatcher is like the Genie in Aladdin.  Your wish is their command.  And yes people with multiple modes of immediate transportation will wait 30 minutes on an ambulance to drive them 10 minutes to the hospital.  

And let me tell you there are a lot of people who call 911 for a lot of reasons that really did not need to.  So here Lieutenant aka Tiny T and I go off to save the day once again.  And for those who do not know me, when I am tired a different form of me comes out.  I lose what little patience I had and I can get crazy.  

So the insomnia for the past week has been a real hay day.  Good thing I have been quarantined for this week.  

I had fully intended on sharing with you some of the stories from our shifts together, but have refrained after writing them out.  I don't think they will pass the politically correct test and in the United States of the Offended someone would get upset.  So to summarize there was a lack of sleep, coffee, house numbers a lot of neon children with flags.  He will remember and is laughing as he reads this. 

I have been in EMS since August of 2002.  Since then I have experienced a lot in my life.  There have been few dull moments.  I have been scared, laughed, and even cried.  

• My first shift ever scared me to death and I said I was never going back.  Yet I have still showed up for 18+ years. 
• I have see more of the human body with my naked eye that most will in their lifetime. 
• I have been covered in more bodily fluids than I care to have been. 
• It has been a bad call when the vomit hits the back of the doors when your partner slams on the brakes. 
• All bleeding stop, eventually. 
• Always put something white on the red and hold tight. 
• A microwave will create warm IV Fluids. 
• Macgyver has nothing on my resourcefulness.  I can do a lot with nothing to pull from. 
• I learned that Tire Pressure is the most important part of the truck check off. 
• You can't fix stupid, and if you look around the room they are in good company.  
• People will stick anything into just about anything and then create the most elaborate story when things go wrong.  
• Sometimes not laughing is the hardest thing I do. 
• You can't make this stuff up, and we have all written a book about it. And you ain't going to believe this starts or ends every shift. 
• I have gained a family that is like no other. 
• I have made friends and enemies.
• I have had to get a new duty belt on more than one occasion. And I don't foresee me getting back into my first uniform. 
• I have helped people come into this world and unfortunately been with more as they have exited.   
• I have learned to view death in a different light than most will ever understand. 
• I have made people laugh, mostly at me, but sometimes with me.  
• I have cried with a family members. 
• I have been a social worker, a resource giver and an ear to listen.  
• I have lost friends. 
• I have met the evil in the world head on. 
• I have pulled a "Reid".
• I have learned that anyone born in the 2000's CAN'T read a map and are directionally challenged. 
• I have accepted that my best on most days is not good enough, that we are not the ones in control. When your number is up, your number is up. 
• Success is not completely defined by achieving the desired outcome.  Success is knowing you did your best.  
• I have learned to be a better person, a better me.  This job has forever made me who I am today.  
• I became the "Old Timer" and talked about the "Good Days" on shift at 30 years old.  
• I have learned that I do it for the love of my community, for the people.  It is not for the fame and I promise you it is not for the money.  

Overall my life has been what I have allowed it to be. What I have wanted it to be.  We really only ever have control over ourselves, and I am a firm believe that if you want something in life you have to work hard for it and the sky's the limit.  You can be what you want to be and go where you want to go.  You are your only limiting factor.  We can say that our environments or socioeconomic variables limit us, but they only challenge us to work harder and to be better.  No one ever said it was easy.  Attitude and perception lead the way, so focus on the positive and do it.   And thanks Chris for all the good and not so good memories and for giving me the ability to Laugh Out Loud at random.   

 

Check up from the Neck Up !!

I think that today has been one of the harder emotional days.  I continue to have fatigue and insomnia combined with the hearing issues.  But today I noticed my hair started falling out around 10 am.  I have been so upset about it.  I know it is just hair and it really isn't that big of a deal, but it is a big deal.  

I think that I mentioned in the past that I use to tell Terah it was just hair and not to worry about it.   No one cares.  Well I can hear here in my head going "It is just hair nick a lause".  It is just hair.  Nick A Lause is how Siri says my name and so her family loves to call me that and I love that they do.  

I know I mentioned in an earlier post that I think the biggest reason it is hard to lose your hair is not the loss of the hair itself, but what it means or symbolizes.  It makes it all official in a sense.  So that is what I wanna talk about tonight.  I will get you a picture once I build up the courage to take one.  

It is more than hair.  Now when I look at the man in the mirror I see a cancer patient.  I see someone who has been through a lot in the last month and someone who can no longer hide behind the smile.  But let's be honest, who do we really see when we look in the mirror?  I can physically see this man that look weathered and worn.  But that is just the physician characteristics that I see.  We really see much more than that.  

So I decided it is time for a check up from the neck up.  Who do we really see??  What do we hope to see?  Are we looking at the person we want to be in life?  Have we met our goals?  Have you loved yourself enough?  Do we love who we see?  Are we the best person we can be?  It is more than just the physical appearance it is the person as a whole.  

So who do I see?  Well I see a Cancer Warrior, a Fighter, a Successful Professional, a Paramedic, someone to love.  I see all the things I have been through and all the things that are yet to come.  I see me and I like what I see.  I might not be attractive and look like a sick person, but I am much more than that guy.  He is just occupying my mirror for the month.  He will get the eviction notice soon enough.  But for now he is me, he is the best me and he is the proud me.  He did it!  

So the next time you look in the mirror think about who you really see and if you don't like them, change them!!  They will follow your lead!!

Getting back to normal

Tomorrow is October the 1st and here we go.  Tomorrow is the first day back at work officially.  I have been working off and on as I have felt like it, but it is time to get back to more normal life.  I feel generally well.  I still don't taste much more than salt, the hearing is still bad and I get tired.  But other than that I feel great.  

The taste will come back soon they say.  I think the most frustrating part is that my brain is craving a particular food and I want that food.  But when I eat it, it taste nothing like what I am craving.  Think of a big piece of cake and all you want is that cake.  And when you bite into it you taste nothing, not a thing.  So my brain is still give me the cake, but I eat the cake and there is no satisfaction.  So you could feed me about anything right now and I would never know if it was good or bad.  Soon enough I will be able to taste that cake and my brain will be satisfied.  It also makes COVID screening fun, yes I have lost my sense of taste, but we all know it is the Chemo not the Miss Rona.  I just say no given it is linked clearly to another issue.  

I am afraid that my hair is on its way out.  For the past two days my body hair has been disappearing.  Can't say that I am too upset about that.  I also have two smooth spots on my face, SO SMOOTH.  The hair on my chiny chin chin is gone gone gone.  Still holding strong on the top of my head, not even thinning out.  

I was talking with a friend today who asked the question was it as bad as you thought it was going to be?  Well to be honest, no it was not.  I prepared for much worse.  That is not to downplay the not so fun experience, but overall it was not as bad as I had feared.  

Monday I got dinner delivered by Carmen.  She brought lasagna, salad and her mom made homemade yeast rolls.  Carmen first made lasagna for me 10 years ago probably.  I think we have known each other that long, and every since I have never found anyone that makes it as good as she does.  So needless to say I was excited about getting it.  The texture was amazing and I have not forgotten how good it is so my brain had to feel in the blanks for my lack of taste.  

I also got a gift box from my Floyd Anesthesia Team.  I will have to do something nice for all of them.  They do such a good job there and again great people to work with.  

My dentist office sent me a nice box from Joshua Tree.  It included a succulent and a candle.  I would have never expected this much from them and they were great!  So a Plug for Smile Solutions Dental in Harrisburg.  

I can say that I think the biggest part of my success has been the mental positivity and humor I have surrounded myself with.  Also Brea, Tina and Susanne made each day manageable and were so supportive and patient.  So my advice for the next person who enters this journey is to have a positive attitude and take it one day at a time.  You eat the elephant one bite at a time and you will take this journey one day and one step at a time.  Do not rush it, it will all happen as it is suppose to happen.  Look to what you can control and remember YOU GOT THIS!  

Day 15 | Final Dose - Hitting the Home Run

And just like that the last dose is done!  And this Chemo journey has ended.  I mean I still have a week to get my blood counts up before we are really done.  But the journey itself is over.  Homerun!!!

Today was the Bleomycin again and the steroids, which were at my request.  I feel so much better with the steroids so they were nice enough to give them to me.   Just the regular dose of 4mg. White Blood Count is 3 so I am in the low stage they refer to as NDOIR I believe is what they said.  I am probably wrong with the letters, but it is totally expected and will last about 5 - 7 days.  The Chemo essentially kills the bone marrow and as a result the White Blood Cells die before they are recreated as my bone marrow heals and repairs itself.  It's a science literally and what we do.  So I just have to be careful to not get any form of infection cause the immune system is out of the office.  

Room #5 was already occupied today so I did not get the chance to finish where we started, but it was overall a short trip so I was totally okay with it.  So today was Room #3.  I also got the PICC Line removed as well so I will be able to take a bath in a couple days, and I plan to soak in my new soaker tub.  I started a bathroom remodel in June and it is almost finished so I got a new tub to try out.  

After my treatment today I had a group of people who came to support with me.  Close friends and family who were able to come.  I will go over each of them as we go through the pics today.  

First of all I have tried to keep an upbeat and positive attitude through all of this.  I cried enough, stressed enough and will have more stress and we worry about recurrence that I have decided to keep humor all around me.  I wore a shirt today to highlight our #foulball, and I made a witty sign to sport. 

So here is the larger group that were there: 

Call outs left to right:  Justin and Heather, both are Paramedics with me at EMS.  Heather and I have been there a long time together.  Random fact, but I worked with her when she was 10 Months pregnant with her first child. She was working with me her last day before delivery.  Oh the memories we have, we are part of the "old timers".  I miss the old timers so much, there are so few of us left.  The difference is the newer folks view it as a job.  We old timers viewed it as a calling and we ARE all a family.  Once your in the family you have people who share life with you till you are gone or are the last one standing.  I do not know how else to explain it, even when someone retires your still family.  The love and support I continue to get from those still in the family is priceless.  So thanks to Justin and Heather for coming today.  I got a nice message from Althea and Chris today who are also in the OT club.  Jennifer or as she will tell you My Favorite.  Jennifer and I have been friends for 10+ years.  She has by far been one of the most charitable people that I know.  She is one of those that is way more that just words,  you know Jennifer cares a lot about you because she will not only tell you but she will show you.  She drove an hour and a half from South Carolina to be there today.  We ate lunch at the house and played a quick game of cards before she left.  A true friend.  Leslie who you might recognize from the window pictures on day 2 or 3.  Leslie is also another gem.  She has been so much fun to have around the past 15 or so years.  We are normally super bowl party planners, as she was quick to remind me today that this year I apparently cheated on her and did not participate.  Mom is in the purple shift Cathy is up on the back.  She has been a great example for me, she is like a second momma to me.  She is my real estate agent, but we have just had a wonderful friendship for 20 years.  And I have learned a lot about work ethic and positivity from her.  Then ME the reason we are here for the day.  The cancer warrior !  Then Grandma Kluttz who has lived with or rather put up with me for the two weeks.  Matt the roommate, sidekick, go to, live in maid, great guy!  I have to say that having him live with me the past 7 or so months has been a Godsend.  I have grown more and more patient having him around and having someone around you when your in quarantine has been amazing.  PAM who was one of my college professors and advisors.  She is so loyal to her students and always will go out of her way to make sure the feel support well past college.  Leanna & Denise are friends I have met through my local pharmacy where they worked and we have just clicked and they have been a nice additional level of support through the process. Connie my aunt is at the end.  Dad's sister, Grandma Kluttz's daughter. 

Here is the mask free Photo, cause it is just a white count of 3 LOL.  Great job Justin and Heather for staying in check with protocol !!!!!!!!!!!!

Mollie my co-worker at ApolloMD.  She represented my work family with such excitement.  She has been the best.  She has been here almost a year and is a Solid investment for our team.  It is awesome when you get to go to work everyday and work with the best of the best!  Our success as a division is 100% team based and we all feel that way.  You know there are days where I don't really enjoy my job, and it is not always easy and the conversations are not always fun.  But I can tell you no matter how much the job itself is not fun the team make up for it 100 fold.  So at the end of the day the team makes it so worth it.  You forget about all the details at work and just really focus on the team and how we can help each out.  Remember the "old timers" and how we were family?  Well my ApolloMD team is a family 100%.  The love and support I have gotten for them has proven to me that I have the BEST JOB in the world.  I have the best leaders and mentors and peers, so I am going nowhere.  

Matt, the roomie.  He has been evicted through this process for my own protection but he will be back soon enough.  You have to forgive him he struggles with looking at things in front of him.  

The last of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesslie who made it on time.  I told her to be there 30 minutes early, because you know I know you Leslie :)  

Jennifer

And there they are !!  My dream team chemo pushing cheerleaders.  Tina and Susanne, who I could not have done this without. They are the best of the best, the pick of the litter, the cream of the crop, the bakers dozen, the world's famous as good as it gets heros in this story.  They have been nothing but fantastic, spectacular and purpose driven.  They both say they have been doing this for 20+ years, but I didn't know they gave 10 year olds Nursing Licenses.  They have made it so easy to stay positive and keep up my with humor.  I could never do their job, emergency medicine we don't get to know our patients so when the bad happens its just part of the job.  They go through this journey with not only me but the thousands of others who have been in that chair.  So if you're looking for angels just stop by because here they are.  I would change nothing about the experience.  I am never doing this again so they will have to just take my gifts and quarterly visits.  If I could give anything to them it would be for every person they have impacted to applaud and stand for them as they retire in 30 years.  

So the Chemo inning is done.  So we will walk into the top of the 4th from here and the next 5 years we will line up and strike them out as I get clean reports and prove that this Cancer won't cause me the drama anymore.  

I will continue to keep you updated over the next couple week as I still have items I need to check of the list before we enter the next phase.  So do not go anywhere and stay around.  

Day 14 | The Final Countdown

Good Morning.  We are almost there.  Tomorrow will be the big day.  My last Chemo Treatment.  I never knew what I would be going through going into this journey.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a planner and my level of spontaneity is low.  I have always been one to calculate risk and analyze and think through all outcomes, both intended and unintended.  When you get a Cancer Diagnosis life becomes about the odds, the likelihood of it all.  Everything is about survival rate, mortality rate at 5 years, effectiveness of treatment.  And yes even the unintended consequences of treatment.  So you literally start playing the odds.  It is hard to wrap your mind around converting your life span to intended and unintended outcomes.  But as I have said before, we all have odds that affect our life span. 

My amazing co-worker Mollie brought me a basket of goodness yesterday.  I continue to be so appreciative of everyone and their efforts.  Allowing other to serve and show their support is so rewarding.  I plan to return the favor and pay it forward every opportunity that I get.  

Did you know that your ZIP code is a direct factor in your life span.  Crazy right?  Several years ago I took a year long class on Community Paramedicine.  I actually have a certificate as a Community Paramedic and am eligible to take a Certification Exam.  Bucket list item at this point, but I learned a lot about Social Disparities of Health and what really affect our overall health.  Little know fact but the Healthcare System, your doctors, hospitals, pharmacy etc., well that is on 20% of the overall equation.  

Here is a great infographic on the topic: 

I did not create that and the source is listed above.  But take a look at the top right, 50% can be traced back to your ZIP CODE!!!!!!

I spend a good 9 months really studying this and how to help navigate and manage it.  It will blow your mind.  

So how do we do Rowan County????  Well here is a copy from the Salisbury Post Article on the matter on July 15th of 2020.

So lets be honest, you can move less than 15 minutes in ANY direction and your changes of living longer Increase.  So statistically speaking, live in Rowan County and you will die younger than if you live in ANY of our surrounding counties.  Did that blow your mind?  As a point of reference we were 59th before 2020, so were going in the wrong direction.  You can learn more from the Health Department.  Here is a link for you who want to see the math: https://www.rowancountync.gov/DocumentCenter/View/22199/2019-Rowan-County-SOTCH-Report-PDF 

But folks this is just DATA, nothing more than data.  You will learn that we will never be a stealler number because we have a lot of social service resources in our communities, which naturally attract those needing the services.  Field of Dreams moment here, if you build it they will come.  Being a Paramedic you will quickly learn the large number of individuals who move to the area just for access to the VA and their services.  People move from other states, just to have access to the VA.  Build a big VA in Concord and you will see that 9th place drastically drop.  

I say all this to just highlight that while data and statistics are significant in our lives, our choices and our actions drive that data.  A part of going through this experience for me has been learning that sometimes we have to look past the data and just move forward.  

Going into this I wanted to know everything that I could to be prepared, to know what to experience.  I wanted the checklist that said Day 1 this will happen, Day 2 this will start.  A play by play of what my body would experience so I could be prepared.  I talked to other patients who had gone through this exact same diagnosis and treatment, and got different stories.  I did research and tried to learn as much as I could about the drugs.  I asked every question possible, and my journey has been different that anyone else's.  

Now, I recommend that you always talk to other survivors, active patients and healthcare professionals.  You need to understand what the potential will be.  But you have to also understand that when they tell you "everyone is different", it is 100% true.  Your journey will be different!  But the outcomes will be the same. This whole process has been manageable.  I prepared for the worst, hoped for the best and then took it day by day.  

And here we are Day 14, the day before we do it for the last time.  Tomorrow's treatment is an easy one and I will only continue to get better from here.  I slept great last night, I feel like a human being today and feel ready to take on tomorrow.  

Through this whole process I have not had the opportunity for close contact with others given our current pandemic.  So tomorrow I am hoping that I can get as many people as possible to come and join me for a picture as I finish my last Chemo Treatment!  I'll do my best to Social Distant and I won't be passing out hugs but I think it would be awesome to have everyone who has been cheering for me at a distance there to share this moment with me.  This is one such occasion that I personally have planned to never do again.  So if you read this and your free please come tomorrow (September 28th)  at 1230 to the Wallace Cancer Institute a department of Novant Rowan and join me!  

Day 13 | Saturday Mornings

Good Morning!  Welcome to day 13.  I can tell you that it looks very different than day 6 and even day 10.  Yesterday was an overall great day in my opinion.  It was the first day where I felt like an actual human.  I ended up working at my job for a full day.  I completely did not plan on doing that.  I got up at 7 after sleeping great and had breakfast, NO ANTI-EMETICS.  And I wanted to just catch up on my inbox and get it cleaned out, only because I felt good and wanted to do something different.  

Matt brought me Zakby's, as that's what I wanted to eat for lunch and I ate the entire meal, still NO ANTI-EMETICS.  So as you can tell yesterday as a normal day.  I did not do all that much physically but overall it was a great day.  I did not fall asleep till a little after 3am.  Literally could not go to sleep.  So I fully anticipate napping today.  I got up at 7 am as usual.  

I feel very similar to yesterday at this point.  Hearing is still crap, plenty of hearing loss and ringing in the ears.  And I have not mentioned it before but it is worth mentioning that my legs from the knee down at times will feel like someone else's legs.  They are not swollen and are not retaining fluid but they do feel as if I am carrying something with them.  The sensation is on the front of my legs not the back.  So I cant tell you what it is, but today that sensation is back.  

In general I am an early to bed early to rise person.   As they say early to be and early to rise makes a man Smart, Wealthier and Wise.  I don't really remember too many days where we slept late growing up.  I am sure it happened and I am sure I wanted it to happen more as a younger kid than it did, but Saturday was a day of work.  

I grew up in a home of divorced parents.  So weekends were shared and typically every other weekend was a different location.  The location generally drove what we did for the day.  And grandma's always meant no work and just play.  In any situation Saturday morning generally meant a hot breakfast.  No cereal or pop tart.  Pancakes, eggs, grits or Correll Park Bacon :).  A little fact about Correll Park Bacon, it really is just fried bologna, and oh so good.  

I have learned that Saturday Morning TV has not really changed in 30 years, Jack Hanna is still teaching me about the wild world of animals.  Cartoons start shortly after and then you get the news at noon.  One thing I can say is that I am not as big of a fan of TV as I once was.  There really isn't anything good on TV these days.  I have watched mostly the Netflix or Starz, Prime or other streaming application of the day.  While were on the topic of streaming services, I find it interesting that we broke away from cable tv and moved to streaming as a form of economics to save on the rapidly increasing cost of premium content.  Now I feel that we pay well more than that for the numerous individual services we have.  $17 for Netflix, $12 for Prime $9 for Starz, $11 for Hulu, and $20 for Philo.  And I am sure there is $5 going somewhere else.  

It just goes to show we will spend about $5 on anything and never think much about it.  

I think some of my best Saturday mornings were in my high school years.  Dad and I spent time to build a Cabin in the Woods from the ground up.  1 BR with a Loft, electric and a Kitchen.  We made an outhouse given the complexity of a bathroom, but overall everything else was there.  I can't remember much about putting the roof on, but the foundation, floors, walls, electrical and the finishing touches I can recall in detail.  This meant waking up at 6am, going to Stamey's BBQ and getting a sandwich and heading off to the building site.  We would spend till just after lunch on the assigned task for the day.  Moon Pie's and RC Cola were always involved and the radio station of choice was the Big Show with John Boy and Billy, followed by oldies.  

I think I enjoyed watching it go from nothing to a completed livable structure the most. I have never done anything to this scale again.  I don't know that I would even find pleasure in building a simple storage building.  In life we get the opportunity to build a lot of things from nothing.  To learn and to make memories.  In 10 years from now I will look back on this experience just like I think about the Cabin in the woods. 

There have been several times the past week where my brain explodes as I think "Nick you have Cancer".  I mean the reality of it all still doesn't seem to compute with me.  I guess I should not be surprised that I got cancer. I mean, I seem to have not had the most normal health status overall.  But who would have dreamed that at 36 years old I would get cancer, have surgery and complete the Chemotherapy for said Cancer.  In life each of us will have our "You have Cancer" moment.  You might not have Cancer, but something as significant will in reality happen.  The level or the degree of which it happens will be completely individualized.  So I am learning that life is more precious than we know.  We all need to take more time to enjoy our families, more time to enjoy life.  We have to stop waiting for retirement, or planning that vacation for next year.  We never know what is just around the corner.  I mean 2020 has been a dumpster fire, and it may never get better.  

Today is as good as it gets, so embrace it and live for today.  

I promised a PIC of PICC so here ya go:

Day 11 | SAY WHAT??!?!?!?!?!

Well today is the first day I am starting to feel more like a real person.  I actually think I ate a decent meal today TWICE!  So that is good news.  I joked today when I got to the Cancer Institute that I was in my Skinny Jeans.  Well folks the truth is I have not weight this much in 10 years or more!  I am only 237 pounds.  

My weight has been a yo yo the past several months.  At the beginning of the year I was almost 260 pounds.  It was a like BAMB in your face moment.  Luckily I have a great neighbor Sherry who I see walking every evening and I said it is time i join her.  So between walking with her and the My Fitness Pal App, I was able to drop down to 245. 

When it was discovered that Lefty was misbehaving I was 250.  The day of eviction I was down to 242.  Walking into Chemo on the first day I was right at 250.  That Wednesday I was 256? and today I was 237.  So it has been crazy to watch my body go up and down.  I would say that my baseline weight was 250 for this time period so overall I have lost 13 pounds, which is not too bad.  I imagine that it will come back up quickly given I ate today.  This week I have lived off applesauce cups and peaches mostly.  I eat a little bit a dinner, potatoes, mac and cheese or something simple, but the bulk of my means come in a 3 oz plastic cup.  

Nonetheless, today was a dressing change for Tommy, the PICC Line.  My last one.  He and I will be parting ways in 4 days.  I hope he has not gotten too comfortable.  I will say that if you ever get a PICC Line overall after the first day it starts feeling better and most days I do not even remember that I have it.  The sock that holds the ports to my arm remind me more than the line itself.  I have found that sleeping with it is not as bad as when we started and overall it is not a big deal.  I will be sure to get a good Pic of my PICC before we part ways.  So if you ever are considering or have to determine if it is worth it.  I will tell you YES, it is very much worth it.  I have not had to get stuck with a needle since I got it, I have not had to worry about an IV a Day.  My nurses love it and so do I.  I am worried about getting it taken out, but they assure me it is nothing and all will be fine.  Just unknown.  

The past several days the fatigue has been real.  I get up and think I feel great, I slept great and I am back.  That is at 0700.  At 0730 it takes all the energy I have to get back to the bed.  The brick wall that you hit is hard and it comes quickly.  I just lay around mostly, just lay there, play the Switch my coworkers got me.  Watch a lot of food TV shows, and just stare at the walls.  I don't really feel that I need to sleep I just don't have energy.  My concentration and mental capacity are crap still.  Still GI issues, mostly lower.  

I do however want to say that the most frustrating thing for me currently the ringing in my ears.  It gets louder and more intense everyday.  Everything sounds differently.  Some things are really loud and others I can not hear.  The TV is a challenge and conversations are interesting.  I can not concentrate and then I can't hear so its a regular comical skit these days.  I might have said it before, but here we go again.  The Platinum is a neurotoxin which has affected my hearing.  It is a normal and common issue, and one that at some point will correct itself.  I have talked to others who say it takes months and even now years later they still have some days where the ringing comes back.  So this is just part of the price I will pay.  I look forward to my hearing being normal again.  

The next physical change I will experience will be the hair loss so bring it on.   

Gift shoutouts!!  

Co-workers Nina, Sarah, Casey and Kimberly sent me some ice cream, boost and pudding.  

Co-worker Jen sent me some socks and a blanket 

The Cannon Ballers Staff sent me a signed baseball with encouragement and a T-Shirt 

Co-worker Mollie sent me some peach cups and a Switch game Minecraft.  

Catching up

It has been a couple of days since I have taken the chance to come here and update you on where we are at.  So I will try to cover the past 3 days. 

Overall we have finished the heavy stuff as it relates to the actual infusions.  What I have learned is that the effects come later.  So your body processes the chemo after the fact.  So each day seems to be a little worse and then a little better even given I am not getting the treatments daily.  

I now fully understand what people mean when they say it is hard to explain how you feel.  It is the oddest feeling I think I have ever experienced.  I know I have said it several times but your body is no longer your body.  Your skin does not feel like your skin, and your hands are there but they are not your own.  We will see how that changes over time.  

Saturday:

Not a bad day overall, I got up and ate and kinda felt mildly normal.  I slept for a while and I overall think that the fatigue was the hardest part.  Before leaving on Friday I got another dose of Emend and Aloxy which are long acting anti-emetics.  So I took the Zofran as if I needed it just to be safe.  

Sunday:

A strong tie for the worst day by far.  I woke up and was like man I am normal today.  I was in the mood for a pancake and tried to add some eggs.  I was able to eat both the Pancakes and the Eggs.  Overall eating is a task.  Nothing taste good.  Nothing sounds good and I can promise you that NOTHING smells good.  I feel like Pepe Le Pew and I can not get away from myself.  Once I start eating I just keep going till I feel like I have eaten what a normal adult should eat.  

So I cooked and ate breakfast and then the brick wall hit me.  Apparently I used all the energy allowed for a day in that 30 minutes.  I rapidly went down hill and could not seem to climb back out.  I felt horrible to say the least.  For some reason I keep thinking back to a radio show when people ask how are you feeling today.  My mind goes back to a radio show that my dad and I use to listen to when I was younger called "John Boy and Billy".  There was a particular segment they would do where they would act out calling and talking with a guy on random topics.  They would call him and say "How are you doin'" and he would always say "NAUGHT TOO GUD" in a very redneck way.  So when people say how are you feeling I think NOT TOO GOOD.  

I am more than grateful that this is a "One and Done" approach to treatment.  This means that we push through this treatment regimen and we should be done.  Statistically speaking the odds are high remember.  The alternative is a 3 Cycle Course which I am not sure how people get through that.  I think we all go through things differently and we process or handle things differently.  So this is my journey and I push hard.  There are plenty of others who have a much harder journey in the Chemo treatment.  I am grateful that this is something that overall I have been able to manage.  

So back to Sunday, I slept for most of the day, my symptoms were just general fatigue, nausea in waves, but the worst part was the tachycardia and the funny feeling in my chest.  The feeling felt very cardiac in nature to me.  And the feeling was certainly positional.  I found that if I could lay on my back I did the best with it.  Moving to my side seemed to aggravate it more and cause even more unrest in my chest.  

If it would not have been for COVID Exposure risk I think I would have gone to the ED.  But I remained afebrile and tried to hydrate as much as I could.  I drake as much as I could.  I am confident that I got a solid 70 oz in.  But apparently I could not keep up with the Lower GI Shuffle that plagues me daily. 

This pretty much sums up that debacle:

Sunday night I did not sleep that well.  My chest continues to do the tachycardia and I think my fear of what was going on added some anxiety to the mix.  

Monday: 
So we're back for Day 8 Dose 6.  I literally felt like a warm body with a pulse.  Just not my body.  The amount of energy that it took to get ready and to get to the Cancer Institute was way more than my body had.  Just going from the bed to the bathroom took all the energy I had.  The Nurse Practitioner was quick to come see me once I got there.  They only gave me a litter of fluid over the morning, which I would have settled for two or more.  I was not creating urine so we know I am dry dry dry.  Even given all the fluids I drank on Sunday I clearly was dry.  I looked so bad, and not like myself.  I was pale and mottled to some extent.   I would get tachy just walking and then get hot and diaphoretic.  Down 10 pounds overall.  

Nothing stops Chemo.  Even given the poor physical health I was in, we still get Chemo.  It sounds or rather feels counterintuitive to beat up a sick person, but the data shows that pushing through is the best and only real option that you have.  The Bleomycin is hard on the lungs and can cause a Pulmonary Embolism, or a blood clot in the lungs.  So that was their primary concern for me.  So I had to have a CT Angiogram.  

Okay a little point of disappointment, so for whatever reason, Novant Health didn't get the CT Scanner set up at the Cancer Institute.  I still have not figured that out, so it took a little coordination to go to the Hospital and have the CT done there.  A total hassle and wore me out.  Not patient centric for sure.  

At the end of the day we are where we anticipate me to be.  Labs are all over the place and the only one to note is a Sodium of 131.  And I don't have a blood clot,  I spent most of the rest of the day sleeping, and trying to stay hydrated.  

Chemo tip: Invest in plastic utensils.  And buy foods NOT in metal cans.  Plastic is key in this case.  You will taste every metallic taste possible and having things in plastic containers and to eat with makes it more manageable.  

Day 5 Dose 5 | Almost there

Today was the last does of the heavy duty chemo.  I can tell you that I am feeling it.  Overall everything is manageable.  I could not wait to get to the infusion center today.  I told them that the Zofran best be like the hot n now sign at Krispy Kreme.  The nausea and fatigue are legit.  I also am growing accustomed to the continuous ringing in my ears.  It is super frustrating, but I guess just part of the price you pay. 

I am really run down today and not feeling all that great.  So lots of rest, and lots of pushing through nausea.  But at the end of the day we will have finished the tough week and will be getting two days off.  

Day 4 Dose 4 | Reaching the summit

Today was the 4th dose of the Cisplatin and VP-16.  For now just 1 more dose to go which is tomorrow.  Chemo is cumulative so I don't know how the weekend will go or how bad it will be. 

I slept a lot yesterday and by far yesterday was the worse day.  I got to the Center this morning and was not feeling all that great.  Had a little emotional moment.  It can all just build up and needs to get out.  The feeling of Chemo is hard to explain.  At times I don't even believe that I am in my body.  It is really hard to explain, I can touch myself and it does not feel like my body.  

A friend of mine Stephanie was at the center today.  She had my room when she went through Chemo so Room #5 is the happening place for sure.  She said take care of my room and we spent some time just chatting about how back cancer sucks!  She agreed with the concept that at times you are not in your body, she brought it up so I was grateful that I was not crazy.  She has finished her Chemo and is wrapping up her Radiation treatments.  So she is supporting me in the photo today.  Yes we hugged, first hug in months for me.  It was a friendly reminder that we are never alone in this journey and yet again bad things happen to good people.  I first met Stephanie at the MOM clinic in Salisbury years ago.  It is a clinic that provides free dental care to those in needs.  We had a blast for the two days we served other people.  A true giver and a great example in life.  

I slept okay last night.  Symptoms are mostly lower GI and fatigue so far.  I was up 10 pounds when we weighted today so they are considering Lasix to help pull that off.  They also did a standard dose of the Decadron today which has helps fluid move, I have spent half the day in the bathroom.  

Symptoms have not really changed throughout the day.  I have had more energy today that yesterday, I do have a little feeling of Nausea but nothing major.  I can push through it fairly well.  I have some meds to take to help here at home and will stay ahead of it.  But I am wanting to eat.  I also can feel the fluid building back up.  

Leslie brought some potato soup, and it was so good.  Stephanie also recommended that we get some mexican chicken soup so that is on the list  And my dear friend Cathy is going to bring me a cake she baked.  I honestly feel like eating it all so I plan to do that.  

So let me just say that the soup hit the spot.  I had two bowls and I am keeping it down !!!!  

I will go for the cake a little later, I will use it for the night time pills.  

Metallic taste is starting to build up in my mouth so I anticipate that in the coming days that will increase.  I also can smell like no one else.  I can smell anything, I honestly think that I could give a bloodhound a strong run for their money.  

The best part of the day today was the visit from Amanda and Brady!  It was pouring down rain and they came to window shop.  It again made everyone in the Centers day to see people supporting patients.  I was surely the best sunshine in my day.  

I can not tell you how big of an impact it makes when people show their love and support.  It gives you extra energy to just push through.  It changes the whole experience and perspective.  I LOVE MY FRIENDS and can never be grateful enough for all they have done.  

My Co-Worker dropped off a gift from my North Carolina team and I was so out of it last night I laid it down and totally forgot about it.  Chemo brain is legit.  Well I just opened it today and they were awesome.  They got me a Nintendo Switch to keep me occupied.  They are the best.  I have felt so much love this week!  

I am not one who normally lets people give me things and I feel bad when people do nice things for me.  But I remember that people want to help and people want to support and part of being on the receiving end is to just receive.   Were one day closer and still pushing strong.