I am No Pioneer

So tomorrow is the big day!  Day #1 of Chemo and the first dose.  Several people have called and asked me how I am feeling today.  Well I don't know that I have the words to explain how I am feeling.  Honestly I think I was more nervous or anxious about the surgery.  Maybe I should be way more nervous or anxious about this.  It certainly does have more associated risk and unintended consequences.  But I feel ready or prepared to get through the next three weeks.  

I am staying focused and planning to work as much as I can.  I am choosing to be more positive than I have been in the past.  I just gotta get through it.  And that I will.  As I have thought more about this the thought has come to mind that "I am no Pioneer".  There have been thousands of people who have survive this treatment, many of those multiple cycles of the treatment.  There are hundreds of thousands who have had these drugs before for other reasons.  In fact this treatment has been the same for over 20 years.  That is a really good track record. 

I think the biggest fear we have in life is the fear of the unknown.  I am a very calculated person and a someone that likes to plan.  I have never been a spontaneous person.  We all cope with the fear of the unknown in different ways.  I would not have to worry or fear of what is to come if I had a defined road map with specifics, dates and times things would happen, a list of the symptoms and the experiences accounted for day by day.  But that will not exist for me.  It will not exist for anyone going down this journey.  If you ask someone what is going to happen the response is not as definitive and is in generalities.  Everyone responds differently they say.  We know I am going to be nauseated, fatigued, bald and unable to sleep.  The degree of each and the duration is the outstanding question.  In this situation there is only one way to find out.  

Since 2002 I have been working in EMS and have been a Paramedic since 2004.  When I first started this job there came with it a degree of anxiety.  The fear of the unknown was very real as I started.  I was put in a situation where I needed to rely on my training and what little experience I had from my clinical rotations.  The one thing I do like about being a Paramedic is that no two days are alike.  You will never go to work and do the exact same shift.  Your calls will be different, your patients will have different complaints and your partner will be different.  

But over time you learn that a Chest Pain Patient is a Chest Pain Patient,  A Trauma Patient is just a Trauma Patient.  The unknown becomes the known overtime and your anxiety and comfort levels change.  At the end of the day my experiences build upon each prior experience and I get a little better with each patient.  

I am going to view this experience very similarly.  I have been nauseated before, I have been fatigued before, and I have not slept before.  The only new in this process is going to be losing my hair.  I am going to view it as a week of learning and adjusting.  I will take each day as it comes and push through.  Others have gone through this and I will just be another one who pushes through it.